Confronting, Embracing, and Accepting the Love of Death

by Story

03/24/2020

Part 1: ICU 

2 am I was born in November 

The same day as Dorothy Day

Taken away and into machines that ruled me 

Tubes down my throat 

Lungs gasping for breath 

I was afraid of death as she stood by me 

Yet I don’t understand why she let me go…

I’m not resentful but confused….

Why me? Out of all the others?

If we were all fighting to survive then…why did barely anyone survive yet…why am I the exception?

I’ve been fighting since I was born and even before I was able to be held 

Nightmares on the way back home but, why out of all of them…..me?

Part 2: Chisping

You were with dad a lot 

You were the first death that really affected me 

I miss you barking and sitting next to me in the stairs 

Holding my legs asking me to pet you 

Licking my face off at every chance you got making dad upset as I felt okay 

Yet I know you still watch over me at my darkest moments because I know that you still love me regardless if it’s beyond the grave or not 

I know your body is deceased but, your soul lingers on around me haunting me…

And I embrace it 

Part 3: Cancer

“I will not kiss you

Cause the hardest part of this

Is leaving you” – MCR

2 days before my birthday I lost you

That day I almost collapsed and was close to smashing my mirror with the rock in my room

The machines every night were painful 

But in your last days, you accepted me for who I am without questions…..

“No matter what people tell you always stay prideful”

When you died I knew that you were at peace 

You weren’t the same person looking at the body

Yet I know that you haunt us with love and reassurance every day as your ashes lie here with us

As I sit next to the vase where your ashes are 

I can still feel your presence 

and that is how I know you never truly left us….

Part 4: Elysian Hell…my gently indifferent place 

I will die one day

When and how doesn’t matter 

Death and love have intersected and surrounded me in my heart simultaneously since day 1

It’s not a bad thing

It comforts me knowing that one day 

The constant threat of school shootings will be no more for me….

My depression and anxiety will be able to live in harmony when I die

Because I can be sad and anxious while also being gently indifferent 

My emotions are complex

When I die it will be beautiful and lovely

Because I will die knowing that I lived this absurd life the way I wanted

And wherever I go when I die

I know that Eva and all my Comrades and  Lovers

Will still stand and love with me…..

Because when I organically die

I had a choice to make from the beginning of my life: Destroy all the things that make me feel something, social suicide for conformity in society and be granted a “long life” whatever that bullshit means…..

Or

Fight against the things that want to kill my organic life and allow myself to rebel and take care of myself break from the pyramids that try to kill me with a long life just for conformity to a status quo that will stop at NOTHING to kill me!

I make the choice to fight because death and love have surrounded me since birth and at the end of my life 

I know that death will hold me and carry me back so I can be with everything that I love….